I’ve been trying to figure out how to get out of my depressed state for some days now, four days to be exact and I still can’t get a grip of myself. My mom probably sensed it when she told me that there was something wrong with me and she wanted to find out what it was. I couldn’t really say. I don’t even know it myself. My pseudo-shrink Ms. Daphne asked me what was bothering me and I still couldn’t say. She enumerated a few factors that was happening in my life as of the moment and I couldn’t place the one thing that was causing all my blues.

I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt such kind of melancholy. Perhaps never like this. So I’m buying the idea that something is really amiss. I don’t know how to deal with this predicament anymore.

Right now you’re probably thinking, "What’s REALLY wrong?" And I still can’t answer you that. It’s just that I’m so down that even my judgment is affected. I’m having trouble comprehending and remembering things. It’s like there’s this dark cloud on top of my head and it’s going to rain on me any minute now. Not that I mind the rain because I love it, it’s just that it’s so gloomy. All I see ahead is darkness and I also feel like I’m falling into a black abysmal pit.

What I don’t dig is that I’m typically in a manic mood, be it at home, at work, or anywhere. I don’t usually get dispirited. Even failure is never a factor in making me mope around, especially for days! I really don’t get it. Let me just go over the events in my life within the past weeks and why don’t you try to decipher the whole dilemma.

Alright, let’s start with my mom bugging me about my erratic behavior (so like what’s new? I’ve always been hyper… ask anyone!) and she keeps asking if I’m into drugs. As if! I’m no junkie. (User lang po. Just kidding!) What is the connection between my ecstatic disposition and doing drugs? Does that necessarily translate that I’m on a high? Can’t I be tremendously happy? After all, I have my reasons. Conceivably because of too many happy thoughts.

Then there’s the big break-up between me and that guy. Shocked? Nahhh, everybody was expecting that. And it’s over. I’ve moved on. I’ve had too many break-ups in this lifetime and each experience is the same as the other in the sense that I don’t mull so much over it but I simply carry on without any grudges. Remember losing a wallet? You might spend quite some time racking your brain as to what happened and why you did lose it in the first place when it was so valuable because it had your money, credit cards and other important stuffs in it. But eventually, you’ll have to get over it and get a new one, or at least take some time to save enough in order to buy another wallet.

As far as my job is concerned, I’m doing fairly well. I may be young and underpaid, I’m tired but I’m working. (Thank you Alanis for the inspiration.) It doesn’t pay as much as my previous job but the pressure and stress involved are not worth even for a couple more thousands. Besides, businesses in Cebu are growing and there’s a good chance of finding another job that actually has more compensation and benefits. Well, I’m hopeful on this issue so there should be no problem here. Except though for a few consequences on tardiness and absences I have made and have to avoid in the following weeks and months. Nonetheless, I’m all good with my present career. Financially though, I’m not very well-off because I have trouble with the budget and management. Then again, money comes and goes (as most things in life). It’s not really a poser.

Socially, I’m not so dead anymore. I go out occasionally with my cousins to places where I enjoy most (read: bars and chill-out lounges, no disco for moi). On this aspect, there is not much to chew over. I haven’t been chronic drinking as well. Two shots of vodka and I’m done. On the hand, my sleeping habit has greatly changed. I don’t know exactly what my current bedtime is. But I do sleep. At times, it would only be for 3 hours and when I have my rest days, then it would even extend for 12 hours straight. Mostly, I sleep during the day. I’m officially nocturnal.

Health-wise, I’m fit in this department. If you think I’ve shed some pounds either deliberately or not, ummm, no, I haven’t lost weight. I’m underweight like I’ve always been. But I won’t argue if you think I look like a zombie as of the moment. I guess that’s the effect of being a human night crawler. Seldom do I get my migraines but what do occur frequently are the acid refluxes. I guess I’m not eating right once again. But I do eat. So let’s not recite the whole anorexic era of my existence here. I’m so over that, too. I practically eat five times a day/night. See? I don’t even know what time I eat. So I guess that’s a problem — no regular meal period.

We’ve explored several factors that might or might not contribute to the whole oppression. Now, do I believe in God? Yes, I do. I may not be a saint in this category but I do have faith. I go to mass regularly. I still observe religious traditions that my parents had instilled in me although I don’t live with them anymore. I do pray. I am a believer. So there’s not much to delve into in here.

Since we’ve covered almost everything, I’ve searched deeper into myself trying to check for cracks or clues that might suggest anything. Perhaps I simply feel empty or incomplete. Maybe I want a kid I could call my own, maybe I just want a pet, or maybe I just want somebody to make me whole. I can’t be with someone just to fill the void in me because that’d be stupid. I need somebody who’d complement me as a person and not compete with me. A separate unique individual that would bring out the best in me and not create a disturbing pattern of behavior out of my already crazy character. But I will not search for that person. I’m letting God write my love story now. He has the pen and He will be responsible in bringing The One to me. At this very moment and onwards, all I can do is try to become the right person for someone. It is true that there is a time and place for everything and everyone. We can push with all our might but nothing is going to come and nothing is going to change. (Yes, I'm quoting a Van Halen song now!) But I do believe in serendipity. However, that’s another story. Do I sound hopeful now? Am I still depressed? Yes. Because I still don’t know what’s wrong with me, if there is anything.

Today, my heart’s been palpitating from time to time since five in the morning. My instincts tell me that something is about to happen or has happened already which I am about to find out later after my shift. I’m a bit shaken by the thought of this because it has happened to me a couple of times in the past and unpleasant things usually surface as an aftermath. I wish these premonitions will not be so vague so that I can tell what’s going on. Am I paranoid? No, I’m not.

To conclude this write-up, I’d like to say that we shouldn’t be taking life too seriously, after all, all of us won’t get out of it alive. (So says Dr. Suess.)