Currently, I’m on Banggoy’s notebook for my dear darlin’ HP
Pavilion has betrayed me! Oh the cruelty! *sigh* It’s been over a week since I
had it working because some crazed Trojan horse penetrated my protected system.
Dang! So much for Symantec’s security. And of all the time it had to crash is
when I finally have the external DVD writer that my dearest father gave as a
Christmas gift. Plus Banggoy is showing off the power of this Dell device which
makes me even more down in the dumps when I should be all merry and jolly. I
wish Santa Claus will fix my notebook ASAP… or better yet, give me a new one.
Ho ho ho!!!

I’ve been busy adjusting for my graveyard shift (8pm til
5am) that all I do at daytime is sleep, sleep, sleep. I miss talking to Dapoiee
and the gang, and most especially having breakfast with Banggoy. When I’m awake
(and since I’ve no access to the internet until now), I punch in digits on the
calculator hoping not to get a nosebleed trying to budget my finances for the
necessary Christmas shopping I need to get over with already. I’ve a long list
of people I am going to give presents to and so little time to actually go out
there and buy those gifts. It’s almost 4am and I have an appointment with the
hair stylist at 8am! Then we’re having the company’s Latino Christmas party at
5pm. Somewhere in between those times I need to go to the mall, buy some
things, and sleep. Oh Time, Time… Wherefore art thou Time?

One more week to go and I’m off to home sweet Ormoc City for the Holidays. If not for the crazy schedule I have for the coming week, I’d
be all ecstatic to be home. But alas, I’ve yet to do so many things before I
leave. And Vash? Oh Vash!!! I hate to leave the poor thing alone. So sad. He’d
be spending the Christmas and New Year alone. Tsk tsk tsk. I need to get him a
lady love already. Maybe when I get back, I’ll bring a sexy little thing for
him. Hehehe!

Okay, I have to hit the shower now, Banggoy’s all freshened
up and I still stink from playing billiards! Oh well, it’s been a good night.
After I get all washed up, I’m all set to go to LaLa Land!

With a huge slice of ham, scallops and a bottle of Sangria
enjoyed while playing house /chill-out music – ahhhh, this is going to be a
good year! So, maybe I didn’t meet the New Year with a *bang*, then again, who
wants to lose fingers? I’ve stuffed myself instead with all the goodies on the
table. Fruits, jams, salads, lengua, pancit, oh, you name it – tomorrow I
will make Lomotil my best friend. Hahaha!

We had loads of laugh tonight having experimented with
tequila and our aunties. Translation: We made the oldies drink tequila! And
went off dancing around the house and even mom joined in our madness. That’s
her getting all buggy.

So far, I have no complains with my Christmas vacation as I
have enjoyed tremendously here in good ol’ Ormoc. Mais bien sur, Banggoy was here for 5 days and we immensely enjoyed
ourselves. Me showing him around and him absorbing all the details. He left
just yesterday with his sister who was also here visiting her boyfriend, who
happens to be my First Cousin. No worries, I’ll be with him in less then 48
hours from now. Tee hee.

I have so many goals for 2006 and I’ve got to write them
down yet. As for resolutions, I haven’t really thought about it. Just that,
whatever good it is that I’m doing, I will do better. It’s hard to make
promises you can’t keep. I’ll just focus on these – my family, my love and my
career.

I am so dehydrated. Oh the consequences you have to pay from
an eat-all-you-can phenomenon! Last night I had an awesome shellfish
experience. All the tahong, talaba
and barinday in the world… on my
plate. In addition to that, I didn’t have to pay for it! Except that now, I’ve
missed work and will not be getting my attendance bonus for the month. Ack! And
I thought the best things in life are free. Ever made the toilet bowl your
bestfriend? Under sober circumstances? Indeed. Lomotil, Lomotil, wherefore art
thou Lomotil?

‘Nuff about that. I don’t want to be tempted to go into
fecal details here. I’m not trying to be gross or anything. I have bad colds
and a really annoying dry cough to boot! Good thing my masseuse was here
tonight to make things soporific so I can rest and get a good night’s sleep. I
was planning to hit the sack already but by some force majeure I’m here hitting
the keyboards instead. Oh what divergence!

No matter where you are and how different you currently are,
somehow the past will find its way to rear its ugly head once more. Like a zit
you can’t wait to pop! Like most normal people, I’ve also had my share of
misbehaviors and evidently, I’m no criminal nor had committed a serious act of
felony since I hadn’t been convicted of any grave or even any not-so-grave misconduct.
The thing is, recently someone allegedly said that I’m famous in Ormoc for
causing trouble. No shit?! I never started anything, heck, I can’t even start a
fire; I guess it’s just that trouble finds its way to me like it’s been set
with a homing-device. Hmmm. I wonder what it’s like to be in Paris Hilton’s
shoes. Well, I’ve done my share of charity works, let’s see Paris do something like this for once.

Let me ask you something, but before that, I want to say
thanks for dropping by to read my blog. Now, to my question: Why are you
reading my blog? Bored? Well, try visiting www.bryanboy.com
and I’m sure you’ll find this really interesting. Calling out fellow
non-homophobic Filipino fashionistas and viajeras! That homepage will sure to
bring a smile to your faces. And for the rest of you concerned citizens out
there, wear green and show your support for justice and peace for Francis
Xavier Manzano. For more info, click
here.

Finally, all of my dreams are starting to come true. I’ve
been moved to the B2B (Business to Business) shift at work so I won’t have to
call those damn households anymore. This time I get to talk to professionals.
At long last! No more people mistaking me for a telemarketer (once again, I am
a market researcher and the DO-NOT-CALL list does NOT apply to us!) So screw
those threats of reporting us to the federal agencies concerned. Furthermore,
I’m working graveyard so that means *drumroll please* MORE cash flow! On the
other hand, I’m going to enroll
sometime mid-January so I can hit the books yet again and prepare myself for
the future.

Happy Holidays!

Pre-Xmas gifts received: a 5-ft-tall black minimalist lamp
shade with a 3-way light bulb, two bamboo placemats, a water glass with a purple
flower plus our picture inside and a cute purple bear spring toy for the car –
all from Banggoy! My dad and I were in SM a few days ago and we were checking
out that Pentax waterproof digital camera at Colours. He was so ready to pay
for it since it was offered with a six-month deferred payment term. Too bad the
store wouldn’t accept checks because they want it purchased with a credit card!
Alas! Nobody in my family has a credit card! My folks just don’t believe in
credit cards. *sighs* So that left me really heart-broken. So we went computer
shop-hopping to look for an external DVD burner instead. I couldn’t find the LG
model that I wanted. *double sigh* I guess some things will have to wait until
Christmas.

My parents wanted to try their luck at the casino last
Tuesday night. Together with the Cousin Club, we headed off to the Duty Free
shop when we arrived at Waterfront Lahug. They have all the dark chocolates I
want Santa to fill my stockings with for Xmas but too bad I’m so broke I can’t
even afford some Hershey’s Kisses. Dang! I went sniffing all sorts of perfumes
instead and I ended up with a mother-lovin’ migraine afterwards. Check out the
Xmas tree at the lobby. O Tannenbaum!!!

So here I am downloading all sorts of Christmas songs to
lift my spirits up after a tiresome graveyard shift. There are so many messed up
issues at the office that I just want to forget that I even have a job. Not
that I’m totally ungrateful for having one but me and my buddies at work
couldn’t agree more that we all need to quit our jobs. There’s so much still to
explore out there that we might as well start looking for greener pastures. So
cliché? I know. But that’s life. We all need to move on sooner or later. I do
love my job but there are unavoidable factors that just make me depressed when
I’m there. And that’s not healthy. I’ll spare you the drama by omitting all my lamentations.
I’ve considered going back to school. This time only for a couple of months,
just to get a certification to be a medical transcriptionist. A chance to
finally land my dream job – to work at home and get a generous compensation,
nevertheless. This is the next big thing and I might as well be prepared. I’ll
update you on this endeavor as soon as I take that leap.

When I first saw this teeny weeny Coca-Cola bottle, the 200ml kind that is out in the market as of the moment, I knew it had to be the right size. No wonder it’s dubbed as Coke Sakto! Get this: It’s on EBAY! People from Indonesia are selling these things as rare items. Duh!? Y’know, I have a hard time finishing even that 8oz bottle now that my tummy is cursed with acid reflux. When I was six, I remembered being admitted to Cebu Doctor’s Hospital for hyperacidity. Ironically, I’m drinking a 330ml Coke in can as I’m blogging (thanks to Inzoiee for buying me the soda since I left all my money at home). A few days ago, the banggoy brought me 13 bottles of the new small-sized Coke. Apparently, it was he who consumed most of it before the week ended. Speaking of weekends, I slept most of it because I had to work shifts as well. I wanted to hit the malls by Sunday afternoon but decided otherwise considering that there’d be a thousand people traipsing about making the place stinkier than it already is. Nevertheless, Banggoy and I went to Watsons later to buy a few things before we went to AA’s for the yummiest lechon baka.

After hearing the 8:30 mass at Mabolo Church, we joined a couple of my gay friends who invited us over for a housewarming event in Guadalupe. There was an awesome meal preparation consisting of pasta, salads, Filipino specialties, all sorts of mouth-watering cakes and the specialty of the house: LAMB OF GOD. Well, they called it such. It was pure heaven! Why? Simply because the people who lived there were culinary experts and they own the famous Ikea snack house in Ormoc City. The place was a massive 1970’s domicile whose original owners moved to Canada and putting their abode up for rent at PhP15,000 per month. It’s a 5-bedroom house that looks like those you see from the Marcos regime and those illustrated on fifth-grader’s literary textbooks. Can you picture it? It had huge sliding doors that open to a wide veranda facing a garden. Still can’t picture it? Okay, it’s like from a Regal Shockers film, like from the Shake, Rattle and Roll trilogy. Come to think of it, it had rained that night and the upstairs landing was so creepy because all the rooms had identical diamond doors. Reminds me of a labyrinth of no return or something. Eeekk! Accordingly, the ratio of gay guys and straight guys at the party was 1:1. So surely, somebody gets to get laid that night. (I was going to say "fuck" but Dapoiee insisted I don’t use profane language on my blog!) Tee hee. Joel Gaquit came all the way from Ormoc for the party and the powerpuff gays, Patrick Ceniza, Angel Kangleon, and Kenneth Enecio had outdone themselves in throwing a festive, or should i say more aptly, "gay" soiree. Hmm, it’s got a nice ring to it. Also, Ronald Conopio was there and updated us on the current political events as he is still working for the Governor. Some familiar Ormocanon faces were present as well and even if we didn’t stay ’til sunrise, I had a blast just catching up with old friends with their usual crazy antics. Gay friends are so much fun to be with, wouldn’t you agree?

I personally think that to become a certified blogwhore, one has to
blog haphazardly — a come-what-may entry. A hit or miss. Like right
now, I’m punching keys like crazy not knowing what to write. But for
the sake of blogging, here I sit, typing my life away and killing time.

So finally, the week is over and that was a hell of a week. Work was
killing me. Overtimes. Late breakfasts. Not enough sleep. Nausea. Nose
bleed. I better get paid a lot for all of these. Else I should resign or
I’ll be planning my funeral soon. And what’s worse, next week we’ll be
doing the same exact thing at work. Not the usual shift at WATS.
Nevertheless, our batch has already been recommended for regularization
and we’re just waiting to sign the contract so we’d get more benefits
and compensation. Hurrah!!!

Last night, we went out to play billiards and grabbed a few drinks
at Pipeline. It was a good night — one of those totally fun yet
non-damaging-non-regretting night-outs. You know what I mean. If you
don’t. Stop reading my blog and go to hell. Just kidding! Dapoiee’s
been asking me to blog about the spa experience we had last weekend.
Come on, Dap… It was just that. Spa. Body massage. The ultimate
relaxation. What more can I say? *wink*

Nabelle’s been feeding me comics of ex-Jesuit priest Alberto Rivera’s testimonies and stories of why the Roman Catholic Church IS the Mother of all Abominations as well as how the Prophet Muhammed (did I spell that right?) and Islam are altogether a big conspiracy. Check them out… put your faith to the test.

I miss my Sony camera. It sucks that I have to pay P18T to get it fixed. Shish! I’d rather buy a new one. I found a really nice Canon digicam
and I’m going to save for that so I can get one before the summer. I am
no longer a camwhore, I don’t even know how to make love to the camera
anymore. Tee hee.

Some of the Barks N Co.
back in Ormoc are throwing a massive Oktoberfest party by the end of
the month. Too bad I can’t be there in time because I won’t be home til
Halloween. Initially, a Blood Bath was planned but it was nixed. Let’s
just wait and see what will actually take place then.

For now, I should eat and get ready because I am so hitting the
malls today! I’m considering getting my ears pierced some more. Watch
out world, here I come. Adios!

Currenty, I’m at work — on my REST DAY!!! Actually, we were forced to volunteer (ummm, kinda defeats the whole purpose of volunteering) since the office had additional projects that need to be finished within the week. What’s worse? Yesterday I had no seat! So I had to stay at the supervisor’s place and so did Dapoiee so we could dial… and believe me, it’s not a really conducive area to work. Our projects include a survey for the people in the metro Atlanta region about this new transportation referendum, together with short political surveys for New Jersey. Today I was doing this survey for ShopRite stores (this particular one at New Brunswick) and I had to write her comments/suggestion to the President of the store (see below):

First of all, I want to thank you for the services, especially the one at the Child Care area because it is excellent. The women staff there are very very good and I really can’t say enough because they are always nice. Secondly, I have found out that the check out cashiers are like coupon Nazis. There was this time I gave them a coupon that offers a $1 off for a bottled water. I bought a case of Crystal Aide bottled water. The cashier informed me that the coupon was just for one bottle and that I had a case, so she didn’t take it. I guess they must have gotten some kind of instruction during their seminar to take or not to take the coupon. But when I went to Stop-N-Shop, they had no problem. So in comparison, they have coupon Nazis at ShopRite for the past 6 months. The front end managers also appear to be burnt-out and overworked because they are not pleasant to the staff and customers alike. I had observed one incident when there was something wrong and there were too many items so they had to come with a key to get the transaction through. They were very rude to the check out personnel and to the customers. It was like they didn’t want to be bothered. They are probably nice people but they’re just burnt-out. The cart boys are also very courteous and they say "Hello" and "Thank you" always. They are very nice. During the summer when it’s hot, they should be given Gatorade or something like that because they’re taking care of hundreds of carts. I like the film people at the business section. They are really good, always courteous and nice. They always help you with developing pictures from digital cameras. Lastly, there was a time when I found a $5 coupon in the parking lot. I went inside and talked to a girl and asked her if someone was looking for a lost $5 coupon. She just took the coupon and said they were to keep it in the safe. I think they should do something like track that person who lost the coupon or even just tell me whey would even if they won’t.

How do you spell L-O-N-G? Geez. I have to survive this so I can get my supposedly BIG bonus by the end of the 6th day. So, enough about work for now.

What else is cooking? Not much. After work, I usually just crash and sleep for the rest of the day til the next morning’s shift. Very very cumbersome process and episode of my life. I can’t wait for the weekend at least I have Saturday night off and hell yeah, I’m gonna party, baby!!! I so deserve this time off. Alas! The fun part is short-lived. I have to work by Monday morning. *KaChing*

And before I end this blog entry, let me just give you an account of what I did last weekend. I was so occupied that I barely touched my notebook. Briefly, let me go over the events: Friday night, we went to the Royal Spa…etcetera etcetera etcetera. Ahhhh! Need I say more? Saturday was pleasant as we stayed home and had a Naruto marathon while I slept at intervals. Sunday was another thing. But it turned out very well by the end of the day when we heard mass at night and caught the newest flick starring the sexy Jessica Alba and hunky Paul Walker, Into The Blue, at Ayala OnStage.

I’m so looking forward to this weekend. Toodles!

\m/ai

P.S. I need to get sa haircut after my shift.

My parents came over to visit for a few days and it’s been very pleasant. I
should say my present relationship with them are a-okay! I can’t complain.
There’s now a certain level of understanding between us that’s been missing
for so long. I’m so glad things are finally working. =P And now that they’re
leaving, I’m starting to miss them already. Can’t wait to go home next month
for the All Saints’ and All Souls’ Holidays. Hopefully I could take my
banggoy with me! I have news that we have 6 new baby rabbits back home. So
I’m taking one female with me for Vash when I get back from the holidays.
Yay! The more the merrier.

My mom also wanted to switch mobile phones, I
guess she grew tired of the Samsung E600C that I gave her last year… I
handed her my crappy Nokia and she’s happy with it. No shit! I’ve thrown that
damn thing a coupla times when I’m having a bitch fit and I should say it’s
pretty durable for being able to withstand my temper. Haha! No complains on
this issue.

I’m pretty much blogging as of the moment here at work only
because I can’t read my Ebooks (at least Dapoiee won’t be complaining that
I’m not speaking to her being so engrossed with Dan Brown’s page-turning
Digital Fortress). Why? This computer I’m on right now doesn’t have Adobe
Acrobat Reader! What the @$^&!!! Of all the computers, I get to have the
one without the program! Some guys have all the luck…

Yesterday, we
were at Ice Castle and I had a Black Forest Chocolate Parfait! Yum yum! I had
to indulge first before I went to pay my electric and telephone bills. Like I
said, as soon as I got my paycheck, I was officially broke. Today, Vinz gave
me a huge bar of Cadbury’s Old Rich dark chocolate and Dapoiee gave me
another version of Nestle’s dark chocolate. What are these guys trying to do?
Kill me with a migraine attack? Teehee. I’m not complaining. Death by
Chocolate sounds really good — and I would die for it. Giving chocolate to
others is an intimate form of communication, a sharing of deep, dark secrets
and there’s nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with
chocolate. It is true that chocolate causes certain endocrine glands to
secrete hormones that affect your feelings and behavior by making you happy.
Therefore, it counteracts depression, in turn reducing the stress of
depression. Your stress-free life helps you maintain a youthful disposition,
both physically and mentally. So, eat lots of chocolate! I don’t understand
why so many "so called" chocolate lovers complain about the calories
in chocolate, when all true chocoholics know that it is a vegetable. It
comes from the cocoa bean, beans are veggies, ’nuff said. So don’t wreck
a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty. Chocolate isn’t
like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant and it always feels
good. You know, I could give up chocolate but I’m not a quitter.
*wink*

Geez I don’t know here to begin, I have so much to blog but I can’t find the words to say. Haha! Look who’s talking! But I’m too ecstatic to blog! The main reason is the date I had last night. Oiieeee… you heard that right! It was one of the most romantic and most memorable, not to forget, the most wholesome that I’ve had in my life! Bleh. =P

This is how it went. We went to church (Ha! We always do on Sundays!) and then we went to Casa Verde for dinner. Our menu for the night consisted of Nachos with extra melt cheese and sweet ground beef, huge baby back ribs and garlic rice… and for dessert, we had Death By Chocolate. Just by its name you can tell it’s to die for. At least for a chocoholic like me. Our conversations throughout the night went very well in spite of the hissyfit I threw when I was donning my perfect date get up. I’ve been in Cloud 9 ever since.

Personally, I think that there are factors that make up the perfect date. By perfect, I mean it’s something you remember for the rest of your life, in my opinion of course. First, you got to have the right partner — the fun-loving, sensitive (at least to my insecurities), sweet and romantic and would give you that look of love all night, no pretentions whatsoever. What? Impossible? NOT! I was with just the guy. Second, the venue or the ambiance. Ours was just the perfect setting. It was in a pretty private place, not too many people, with just the right touch of coziness and hominess. It didn’t have to be candlelit for me to realize that the atmosphere was filled with so much amor, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. Third, the food. Mais bien sur! It counts. My date knew exactly what to order for me and I didn’t have to rack my brains. He even knew what to get for dessert! So your date has to be resourceful. He should be able to please you in this particular way, I’d say I was really impressed. Mostly because HE planned this dinner out and I was treated like a queen. With too much sugar, heck, I could turn into Cornholio for all I care, but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t mind. Lastly, good conversations. What’s the point of spending an entire night with someone who can’t communicate? We covered a whole variety of topics. Even the brief moments of silence were very pleasant and it even seemed like we were still conversing. Now that’s something else! No awkward feelings; we were just being ourselves.

You know what, I could go on and on about how blog-worthy my night was but I’d probably bore you all to death… too bad not by chocolate! Tee hee. Here’s what you can do: Why don’t you guys go out on a date and tell me if you’ve had one as good as mine? *wink*wink*

Oh by the way, you’re probably wondering who’s this mystery guy… well, if you still don’t know by now, just tune in. Keep checking my blogs if you’re really interested… if not, then try reading between the lines. I may have mentioned him in my previous blogs as well. What’s with all the enigma? Nahhh.. you wouldn’t understand. Nonetheless, it’s not illegal and it doesn’t get any real than this. All I can say for now is that I am extremely happy and contented. Let me be. I think I so deserve it after all.

What annoys me so much is the fact that I’m paying thousands still
for my electric bill when in fact I have practiced cost-cutting in the
previous month (ask my dad!). It’s the same amount as the total amount
due of last month’s bill – only that I know I had
consumed much less… I hardly even turn the a/c on! Why is that? I
keep staring at the various figures on the paper and I still don’t get
it. Figures. Why am I paying so much for so less? It’s so depressing.

I need to get a high-paying job. The cost of living these days is so
expensive and we don’t get to enjoy life as much anymore. I’m living
the simple life, far from what I had when I was growing up with my
parents. Now that I’m living on my own, I’m paying the price for
independence and of course, the bills that come with it. Electricity,
water, grocery, gas, phone, you name it. I have no savings and I’m
broke as soon as I get my paycheck. Good thing I have a job but it’s
not quite as sufficient, simply inadequate. No matter how I reduce my
expenses per month, I still can’t get all my household budgetting
balanced so I end up spending more than what I’m actually earning. Damn
it!

The reason that this blog will be published at a later date/time
than I intended to is because Globelines DSL fucked up. So much for
unlimited internet (at 384 kbps) for only P995. I’ve called Tech
Support a gazillion times today and they’re still not finished fixing
whatever the hell happened to their ports here at the Mandaue area.
Hopefully they’ll be up and running before I change my mind about
posting this entry.

Dapoiee and I took the half-day option today and spent the morning at my place instead, regretfully leaving Insoiee
at work. We dozed off and were awaken by a rude hammering on our
next-door-neighbor’s bathroom tiles. So early to get a renovation done!
Don’t they realize that there are people essentially getting a shut-eye? It was barely past 8AM when that irritating pounding startled us. Only the banggoy
didn’t seem to be bothered by all that ruckus since he continued to
snore ever so mellifluously. It was also then I found out that the
internet was screwed since we had nothing better to do than go online
– only to be more disappointed when an intermittent disconnection on
the line was experienced leading to a total loss of dial tone! Now the
modem is blinking maddeningly at me.

I stayed home for the rest of the afternoon after I dropped Dapoiee off at the corner of Unionbank around noon plus the banggoy also left for work, and then I entrusted my car to Kuya Ariol
so he can get the door fixed and the spare tire put back in place. I
was then bugging Globelines Helpdesk to get my internet connected… hora mismo!
I got so bored that I watched TV!!! Me? Watched TV!!! Then I decided to
try on some of my old clothes to see if they still fit and
surprisingly, they did! I guess I was just imagining that I gained
weight. Maybe, maybe not. I was still trying to kill time after dinner
so I cleaned out my closet, literally, as well.

What is this world coming to? I was watching Fox News this evening
and there was this whole report on a missing 78-year-old woman, Frances
Graham. Geez. Who would kidnap an old lady at Home Depot? She must have
a lot of money for people to do such an outrageous thing to a poor
Senior citizen. Tsk tsk tsk.

Mmm. I smell good. Very Irresistible Givenchy… and *poof* I’m off on a date. Adios!

Look at me
Young, hot, tough
Can’t you see?
Am more than enough.

I try to act grown-up
Be a woman of my own
I wear a B-CUP
Would party til the break of dawn.

***But behind this facade… is a lil girl so sad…
She seems to go mad, but she ain’t really that bad.
She’s just a lil girl so sad… so imperfect, so sad.

I make the right mistakes
Like you, I sneeze, I fart
I hate hypocrites and fakes
Still I’m a real work of art.

I get PMS
I can tell purple from mauve,
My room’s a real big mess
But baby, what I feel’s a lot like love.

(***)

I ain’t sorry for things gone wrong
I feel better wearing this sexy black thong
Although imperfect… I sing this song
To tell you I’ve loved you all along.

Copyright. September 2005. By_________\m/ai_________

A nice try or a far cry? Wait til I get the chords arranged and sing this song full throttle. Ack! In my dreams. But I’m working on it!!! You just wait and see.

Anyhow, I’m still in Ormoc. It had been the worst weekend of my life. I slept most of it, it’s been a real quiet visit. I didn’t party (like it’s 1999!) and no vomitting sessions at 3AM. Hahaha! Most of the time I stayed in my room with the a/c at full blast, in front of my notebook taking advantage of the DSL internet and trying to fix my old desktop PC because it’s been ransacked by adwares and stuff! I gave up. I’ll leave it to the technicians to get it all moving. It’s almost 7am and I’m off to Cebu in an hour… along with some pasalubongs for the penguin, the fish, and the monkey.

Well, I gotta get my ass up and eat my paklay from Boylins so I can take a quick shower and be on my way. Laterz…

It’s almost a week since I last blogged and gawd, does time fly! The bookworm in me has been reading so much literature that I feel like reality is a dream instead. I’ve been so caught up with fiction that I feel like a schizo! Among the things I’ve read and am about to read are as follows:

1. The works of Dan Brown (as I previously mentioned); Angels and Demons, The Da Vinci Code, Deception Point, Digital Fortress

2. Mitch Albom’s Tuesdays with Morrie

3. Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s Love in the Time of Cholera

4. Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, as well as Sense and Sensibility

5. Oscar Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray

6. Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird

7. Sun Tzu’s The Art of War

I’m estimating a good 3 weeks to finish all of those. Yipee! By the end of October I’ll be so full of imagination and permanently residing in Lala Land. I wonder what will that make of me. Ahhh, let’s wait and see. I don’t want to work shifts anymore. I ought to have a regular job or maybe I’ll just stay home and read. I’ve never felt so sluggish in my whole life. All I do is read, read, read, sleep, eat, sleep. Yoohoo! Earth to my social life!!! Not that I truly care, I’m quite satisfied being introverted. Still if someone calls me one day and invites me out to bungee jump, I’d be out the door in no time! Yet for now, I’ll stay put.

List of things I need to do when I get home (obviously, I’m at work! Shish!):

1. Call someone to fix my room’s doorknob. Apparently, I’d been that lazy as I managed to lock myself out and had to break the lock to get in. Whatta!

2. Call mom and advise more details on my visit to Ormoc over the weekend.

3. Go with Vinz to the bank.

4. Burn CDs for Jan Dong. Call him when they’re ready.

5. read…read…read… check on Vash and then sleep.

Since I’m going home this weekend, there should be plenty to write about. So until then, I need to go and make money now. Tee hee.

Finally, a time to sit down and yes, you got it — blog! Well, not that I haven’t been staying put for the past week, I’ve just been so engrossed reading the prequel (yes, there is!) to that infamous Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown. It was all about the Illuminati and the Roman Catholic Church, aptly titled Angels and Demons. Even Dapoiee has been quasi-complaining for my silence and "disinterest" because I seem to lose touch with the real world. I was so engaged with the plots and schemes because it featured massive information about the Vatican, the Catholic history, science & technology and the Roman arts. The debate between the whole science and religion with the search for divinity and man’s-fundamental-desire-to-understand-how-we-came-to-be issue had been laid out so extensively, I couldn’t even believe it could be argued as such. Umm, not that I really gave it a thought. A must read. Go!

My parents’ visit went smoothly this time. Thank goodness! No bickerings between me and my mom. Yes! I’m also planning to go home next weekend for Vince’s birthday since the Cousin Club are all set to invade Ormoc City. Hopefully, I can bring mi novio so that he can further understand my personality based on being brought up in a conservative place where your business IS everybody’s. Geez. On the other hand, there’s no place like home so I’m still proud to be an Ormocanon. In spite of the flash flood that befell my hometown back in ‘91 that claimed 8,000 lives, we managed to prosper over the years with modern infrastructures here and there, as well as a new medical University, a 6,000-seater Superdome, high-class hotels, restaurants and malls. I wonder how the traffic is in the city provided that we have such small streets and absolutely no room for widening. I bet the motorcycles and tricycles are still causing headaches for 4-wheel vehicle owners. As for parking, well, nevermind. I’d rather walk since everything is just a walking distance. Comparably, Ormoc is almost just like MEPZ1 and MEPZ2 combined. You get the picture.

I’m experiencing a somewhat failing health lately. I have recurrent stomach pains and I feel like my head lacks oxygen! Although I am getting enough rest, I still think my system’s going down due to irregular meals. My parents think that I should get my gall bladder checked. Say what now? Well, I can’t blame them for trying to do what’s best because of my medical record. I’m only 22 but I’ve had endoscopy, colonoscopy, and even transvaginal ultrasound! I’ve been anorexic and I still have acid refluxes and heartburns from time to time. Isn’t that scary? Which reminds me, I need to go visit my ob-gyne — and I have 3 of them! So, eenie meenie miny mo…

Acquiring anime videos have also kept me busy recently. I have complete movies of Samurai X, Naruto, Inuyasha, Ninja Scroll and Trigun episodes 1-26. I’m still on the process of getting more movies so I’ll update the list when I have them. I feel like Japanese is my 2nd language now. Haha! I don’t mind learning it because it’s very interesting the way conversations are. It’s so full of emotions. YAMAAAA!!!

Work is pretty much the same, projects come and go and currently we’re conducting a survey on Internet service providers. The last couple of days we were doing political surveys for the upcoming November elections. I still don’t get the whole Democratic and Republican parties. Why the conflict of interests? Can’t we just all agree on doing the right thing for once and forget our own personal interests and what we personally think is good? So what’s with all this Hurricane Katrina aftermath mumbo jumbo…?

Wait, I see Dapoiee rummaging inside my worn-out-Mary-Poppins-like-white-LV bag. There’s so much crap in it and I don’t know what garbage she is gonna find. It’s almost 7AM and I’m freezing to death here at the Oregon booth. There’s one split-type A/C blowing right behind me and the another one to my left. I feel like my fingers are gonna break off any minute. Also, breakfast is not going to be in a quarter of an hour more. Achtung! Please email me if there are any new job openings that I could possibly apply for. I gotta get out of here.. fast!

I couldn’t be happier than having Vash in my life right now. Who’s he? He’s my hunnybunny baby wabbit… so cute. I got him last Sunday, as a present. Oieee… (Shouts to the unggoy!) It’s wonderful having a living-breathing creature depend on you and keep you company at home when you have no one… too bad it doesn’t talk back. Nevertheless, I’m so happy having Vash now. He’s so cuddly and so sweet, he’s also VERY QUIET! (It gets annoying sometimes because all he does is eat and play around and not to forget, shit a lot since I feed him so much).

We went out last Sunday to play billiards and we met up with some old friends. It was a fun night, very wholesome. Tee hee. The night out ended with a trip to Mabolo/Tudtud street for their chicharon bulaklak and dinuguan! We got home early, I think that it was still around 1AM and we decided on watching NARUTO The Movie before hitting the sack. Dozed off around 4AM, Monday.

I slept some and stayed home the whole day to play with Vash and then went out for dinner around 6PM to the only fastfood place I eat at, Orange Brutus. I’ve realized that I’ve been eating so much these days, when everyone knows that I normally don’t. Does this behavior qualify for a post-PMS syndrome? Mi novio and I also had an early breakfast around 2AM Tuesday — Mmmm… Carlo’s Batchoy! Yum yum! Around 9AM, we had to go over Kitty’s place and I installed some software on her new computer while they assembled the computer table. I should have studied IT or some computer-related course. I could use hone those skills and use them more efficiently. If not for the MATH subjects! Darn! *sigh* Yet another one of my frustrations.

Since it’s Labor Day I didn’t have to work so I stayed home for the rest of the day and slept early. Nothing else to do and nowhere to go. This morning I got up at 1AM frustrated and disappointed in finding out I didn’t have a message to read. Yep, definitely post-PMS! *lolz* I don’t know, I feel weird.

So, now I’m at work calling African-American people in Pittsburgh for a radio survey which is all about HipHop and R&B music. I’ve only made 2 completes so far and it’s not our meal break yet. Speaking of which, now I’m hungry I am getting fat, no doubt. What’s that? My weight? I don’t know, I don’t want to know. I might get depressed. Tsk tsk tsk. I’ll just munch on Graham crackers for the mean time.

I can’t wait to go home for lunch and watch The Notebook with Vash and mi novio. Then I need to go buy some CDs. I’m selling complete anime movies (i.e. Samurai X, Naruto, Inuyasha and Trigun) and I have some orders to attend to. I need to make *extra* clean money or else I’ll be declaring insolvency soon. By the way, my parents are coming over this weekend for the Cascades concert. Euuu! My dad even asked me if I wanted to go, I mean, hell no! I wouldn’t be caught dead watching that, even if the tickets are for free. *lolz*

I also called Globelines yesterday and asked about the new promos they have. The 384kbps speed for DSL is now available only for P1,495 and the 784kbps for P1,995 (which is the plan I’m paying for but with less speed) and they now have a 2mb speed available for P2,995! I’m torn between continuing the 384kbps for a cheaper rate OR upgrading to the faster one and paying the same amount I currently have to), Well, P500 is still P500 difference! Acckk! Any suggestions?

(Leave me some comments. I need to get back to work now.)

The family feud has been escalated over the last couple of days due to absurd hearsays and my parents’ distrust on my supposed Sunday shift schedule for the weekend.

Long story made short: They [my parents] want me home by Saturday afternoon but I can’t because I have to work graveyard on Saturday. I had promised to go home to Ormoc on Sunday afternoon instead to visit my dad. Still they wouldn’t believe my reason for the delay so they called the office to confirm my schedule!!! Can you believe I’m being treated like a grade school student claiming to have classes? Imagine the surprise HR got when they were asked about my agenda! At first, they spoke with someone named Jenny who didn’t have a clue about my required Sunday shift (that’s the Saturday graveyard shift I’m talking about) and I had to argue demanding that they ask for Shelley for it was she and Bheng who scheduled me for the required shift. They insisted that I am hesitating to go home because of someone, which is so not true. I have my reason and that’s because of my job! But they refuse to believe me! Arrrghhh! Naturally, I fumed over the whole incident, said things I didn’t really mean in the first place and ranted on my mom! It’s so frustrating. Consequently, my dad intervened and now we’re having an all-out war of the worlds! *sigh*

With that, they took my car and imposed that I end my current relationship with mi novio for it was what they believed is causing me to be so vehement towards them. Ayayay! So complicated… I’m getting a migraine just narrating this whole episode of my life (not to forget that I’m also dialing at work being a pain in the ass for calling random American households). What a life!

If you are feeling sorry for me now, well, don’t be! I’m going home to Ormoc tomorrow to get to the bottom of this. I have to make them understand the whole scenario. If they won’t see things the way I do, then I guess there’s nothing more I can do. I will just have to go on with my life with everyone’s back at me, away from everyone who deprives me of my happiness. Why say so? Because all my cousins have taken my parents’ side. No doubt about that. I’m the bad guy here because I’m the one talking back (Geezz! I was just trying to defend myself). Is it such a crime to voice out the truth? *double sigh* I do realize that I sound irate everytime I reason out, but that’s just me. What do you expect from an Arian, from a person who feels deeply or someone who gets irate respondents on the phone everyday?

I pray for this misunderstanding to be resolved. If not, then I guess this is one of those things-happen-for-a-reason occurences. I remembered I was told by a fortune teller some time back that whatever I do in the next three months of my life will shape my future. Well, future… here I come!

I’m not sure of anyone…

But I’ve got plans…

I’m not asking for everything but sure I could use a
hand…

Get a little anxious…

Sometimes you’ll be gone and I’ll be left behind…

Get a little nervous…

Sometimes it’ll be my cue and I’ll forget my lines…

Get a little lost look…

And some staring from the corner of my eye…

I never really mastered disinterest…

I can’t see how the way that you leave me alone
makes us close…

I must be out of touch…

I won’t ask you to give up on the things that seem
to keep you gone…

But I can be gone too…

Feel a little sorry…

Sometimes you’re not here when I am writing…

Feels a little awkward…

Sometimes you won’t talk but we’re not fighting…

You hold on to your secrets…

And I’m not privy to what is on your mind…

But I can’t help but feel tired…

So tired!

So tired…

this day will end as it always will…

I’ve had a lot of musings lately. Trying to decipher the undecipherable. So many questions. (But the answers, so few.) If they say that love makes the world go round, well, then maybe that’s why my love life seems to be going around in circles. Patterns. Daym! I should be breaking free from this terrible cycle by now. I’m learned so I should be making wiser decisions now. I am hoping that I won’t be misguided. I have to listen to my heart now. I should stop dreaming and start facing realities, even if it bites. No more pretentions and silly imaginations. It’s high time. (I’m not getting any younger.) Now, let’s discuss some basic truths. I may have a different perspective here but then again, we’re all entitled to our own opinions. Respect.

LOVE is not what you think it is. Sometimes we mistakenly feel that our
first relationship will be our last. Because we are overwhelmed with
joy and romance, we forget to learn the meaning of true love. Some are
saying that love is unselfish, blind, unconditional or simply denying
oneself for the sake of someone very important in our life. Others are
saying love is immortal and can never be defined.

When we
think we’re in love the first thing we almost wanted the whole world to
know is that our love for someone very special can never be taken away
from us. We say this phrase "you are the most wonderful gift from God I
have ever received…" After a terrible fight or sometimes even a petty
quarrel we then say "You are the biggest mistake I’ve ever made for my
entire life!!!" Now, how do you say and spell the word L-O-V-E? Are you
really deeply into it?

Frankly, nobody can tell what love
really is until experience speaks and whispers right into our ears.
Most of the time, these love promises like "forever, till death do us
apart, blah blah blah…" would end up "We should part ways, I’m no
longer happy with you! My love for you is DEAD!!!" Many times we think,
after having committed to someone and your trust to one another freezes
down to zero degrees, that "S/He isn’t the right one. I should probably
wait for the right one to come." But the big question anyone could not
answer is, "Is s/he the right one?" and "When is the right time?" Will
you always be waiting for the right person to come and the right time
to commit? A big YES is the answer.

I have learned not to
rush into a relationship because you can never find love if you insist
that you are already into it. Take my advice: You need to try
to find time to really understand your real feelings, to know who you
really are, and what you really want in a relationship.

You’re right, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but
there’s a compatible partnership that goes along with it. If you
already knew that you’re too big to fit into a small sized t-shirt,
don’t give it a try. You’ll probably break it and pay for the damages
you have made. If you knew and felt that the relationship will not
last, don’t go deeper into it. You’ll just suffer the consequences and
live like hell for the rest of your life.

It’s really hard to
say goodbye though, but you can’t make it any better by just pretending
you still have the same feelings. Believe me. Just try to let go and
give yourself a chance to live life to the fullest. Give yourself a
chance to grow and give your heart a much needed attention. Then you
will find that you have made the right decision and you made it all by
yourself. More frequently than not, we all act in a hypocritical manner
for some reason.

We call it love when we can’t leave someone
and see them crying as we try to let go. We are wrong, it’s just pity.
We call it love when we’re too attached and think that losing the one
we love will somehow make us weak and unable to face the storms of
life. We misunderstood, it’s just that we’re too much dependent on
them. We call it love when we give our whole life to them, the
wholeness of us and imagined that if they leave no one would accept us
and our past. We are mistaken, it’s just insecurity.

But no
matter what the definition is, the truth still remains that love isn’t
something you can buy nor beg. It is real and existing. You can’t touch
it but you can feel it in your heart. You can’t find it, but it will
knock before you when you least expect it to come. It can make you the
happiest soul in heaven, but don’t forget that it also can make you the
most miserable person in the whole galaxy.

My bestfriend once
told me that "finding the right person is very hard and very wrong…
it is best to be the right person for the one you love and start from
there. You’ll always end up disappointed when you set standards and
define a "right person" for you… and don’t rush things because
somewhere somehow God is preparing somebody for you." Then I said to
myself unconvincingly, “You’ve got to be kidding me! I can’t wait
forever! I’ll be old…and lonely.”

So when another good friend
of mine lent me a book titled ‘When God Writes Your Love Story’, I told
myself while shrugging my shoulders, “Oh well, how hard can it be?”
From the book I learned that you can never be perfect…the person you
love can never be perfect…but both of you can be perfect through love
and prayers, and your love can be perfect through the both of you. But,
no relationship is complete without God…that’s why we have marriage
– it’s a bond not only between you and your loved one but also with
God. All we need to do is give the pen to him and let him write our
love stories. It won’t be easy, though, because He will make the
choices for us. But with Him, nothing could go wrong.

I think
that our relationships fail not because s/he’s not the right person,
it’s because we expected too much and we decided on our own. Let God do
the work. You may call it waiting time. But while you are
waiting…pray. Let God guide you always. He knows better. No, He knows
best.

Repost.

Current mood: contemplative

I've spoken with the Cousin Club and they confirmed that my behavior is so unlike any of them thinking that I grew up with those peeps. They told me that I so mirror the midwife who took care of me when I was just a baby. So what's so important about that? The midwife happened to be a junkie. One time my cousin caught her smoking weed in my bedroom and I was coughing like crazy in my playpen! To think that I was barely a year old... She did that often and when she got so high, she would carry me in her arms and she'd dance like crazy while careening wildly across the room. So does that explain my hyperactivity and my insane zest for life? I don't know. You tell me. Perhaps ADHD? *lolz*

Turning to the topic of separation, not anxieties, but among relationships. More and more people (my friends, anyway) are now realizing that being in a relationship is a crock of shit. Now, I'm talking about unhealthy bonds. I'm not going to go into details about my own personal life (because I'd be writing a 5-page blog!), but I'm generally speaking on behalf of my friends who are in dilemma as to what LOVE is actually. Here's the only thing I can say for now (since I'm running out of time to blog... meal break is almost over!): When starting a relationship, start HONESTLY. No pretentions. No holds barred. Just the unadulterated YOU and the real ME.

After a while of getting to know someone (and if you've been shot by Cupid, or if some divine intervention had suddenly tapped you guys in the back), you will realize that all hope is not lost. Once more, your heart beats like it hasn't before and the skies begin to look bluer everyday. Having been honest right from the beginning would pay a lot because it'd be easier to interact and understand each other. I think everyone will agree with me when I say that... LIARS GO TO HELL... No, just kidding... Seriously, lies don't do anybody good. That's not an opinion. That's a fact. So be true to yourselves. If the other party doesn't accept you for who you are, then let him go to hell... nah, seriously, he's just not worth it. Don't push it. Don't try to make yourself believe that you can change that person to accept the past because if he's the type who dwells on it, then he's a sack of shit. Life goes on (whether you or he likes it or not)!

My shrink, Ms. Daphne, says I'm sourgraping right now. Do you think so? Well, I would like to counter that by saying that I'm only displacing my thoughts on some issues here. Let's just say I'm in the state of battling-my-demons and I'm letting go now... This is just my release. (Thank you for your time.)

***

Feel free to COMMENT on this blog entry... It will be much appreciated.

Currently listening:
Crazy for You
By Madonna
Release date: 12 January, 1999

Two days in a row now and this unsettling feeling is still pestering me. Since 5 in the morning yesterday and every now and then, my heart palpitates wildly as if insisting to be heard. Something tells me something bad is really going to happen, or has happened already. This is not the first time this has happened to me but it’s been months since the last one.

The premonition is so vague that I cannot tell what it’s really all about. It’s bothering me so much that I am so uneasy in whatever I do and wherever I go. I’ve contacted everyone close to me and asked how they are doing and what’s up. Everything is okay except for Jake who’s hospitalized for dengue fever but I’m sure the kid is going to be just fine. What’s more? When I close my eyes, I see a vision. It’s the head of a green snake, with it’s tongue hissing helter-skelter.

I’ve tried to interpret what seems to be an omen and I’ve asked a colleague who does palm reading to help me out with it. We came up with the notion that a betrayal is soon to befall and jealousy to surface. Aside from those, luck and money is involved.

So then I had my palm read and the first thing he said to me, not knowing anything about my life, was that my love life was in a frenzy. He said that a great love would come and if it had arrived, I should be building on it. He said I should let the guy court me for some time and I shouldn’t be rushing things. He mentioned about good guys passing me by and the bad guys staying with me. Oh lordy! As far as my job is concerned, he said I am unfocused because I have so many things in mind. I’ve translated that I haven’t been giving my best shot — to almost everything because I’m so preoccupied. (With what?!) He asked if I’ve heard from my family so I guess I should be keeping in touch with them often and he also said that I should pray.

Whatever happens next… I could only hope and pray for the best. And cross my fingers that I don’t get a heart attack or hyperventilate and stop breathing eventually.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to get out of my depressed state for some days now, four days to be exact and I still can’t get a grip of myself. My mom probably sensed it when she told me that there was something wrong with me and she wanted to find out what it was. I couldn’t really say. I don’t even know it myself. My pseudo-shrink Ms. Daphne asked me what was bothering me and I still couldn’t say. She enumerated a few factors that was happening in my life as of the moment and I couldn’t place the one thing that was causing all my blues.

I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt such kind of melancholy. Perhaps never like this. So I’m buying the idea that something is really amiss. I don’t know how to deal with this predicament anymore.

Right now you’re probably thinking, "What’s REALLY wrong?" And I still can’t answer you that. It’s just that I’m so down that even my judgment is affected. I’m having trouble comprehending and remembering things. It’s like there’s this dark cloud on top of my head and it’s going to rain on me any minute now. Not that I mind the rain because I love it, it’s just that it’s so gloomy. All I see ahead is darkness and I also feel like I’m falling into a black abysmal pit.

What I don’t dig is that I’m typically in a manic mood, be it at home, at work, or anywhere. I don’t usually get dispirited. Even failure is never a factor in making me mope around, especially for days! I really don’t get it. Let me just go over the events in my life within the past weeks and why don’t you try to decipher the whole dilemma.

Alright, let’s start with my mom bugging me about my erratic behavior (so like what’s new? I’ve always been hyper… ask anyone!) and she keeps asking if I’m into drugs. As if! I’m no junkie. (User lang po. Just kidding!) What is the connection between my ecstatic disposition and doing drugs? Does that necessarily translate that I’m on a high? Can’t I be tremendously happy? After all, I have my reasons. Conceivably because of too many happy thoughts.

Then there’s the big break-up between me and that guy. Shocked? Nahhh, everybody was expecting that. And it’s over. I’ve moved on. I’ve had too many break-ups in this lifetime and each experience is the same as the other in the sense that I don’t mull so much over it but I simply carry on without any grudges. Remember losing a wallet? You might spend quite some time racking your brain as to what happened and why you did lose it in the first place when it was so valuable because it had your money, credit cards and other important stuffs in it. But eventually, you’ll have to get over it and get a new one, or at least take some time to save enough in order to buy another wallet.

As far as my job is concerned, I’m doing fairly well. I may be young and underpaid, I’m tired but I’m working. (Thank you Alanis for the inspiration.) It doesn’t pay as much as my previous job but the pressure and stress involved are not worth even for a couple more thousands. Besides, businesses in Cebu are growing and there’s a good chance of finding another job that actually has more compensation and benefits. Well, I’m hopeful on this issue so there should be no problem here. Except though for a few consequences on tardiness and absences I have made and have to avoid in the following weeks and months. Nonetheless, I’m all good with my present career. Financially though, I’m not very well-off because I have trouble with the budget and management. Then again, money comes and goes (as most things in life). It’s not really a poser.

Socially, I’m not so dead anymore. I go out occasionally with my cousins to places where I enjoy most (read: bars and chill-out lounges, no disco for moi). On this aspect, there is not much to chew over. I haven’t been chronic drinking as well. Two shots of vodka and I’m done. On the hand, my sleeping habit has greatly changed. I don’t know exactly what my current bedtime is. But I do sleep. At times, it would only be for 3 hours and when I have my rest days, then it would even extend for 12 hours straight. Mostly, I sleep during the day. I’m officially nocturnal.

Health-wise, I’m fit in this department. If you think I’ve shed some pounds either deliberately or not, ummm, no, I haven’t lost weight. I’m underweight like I’ve always been. But I won’t argue if you think I look like a zombie as of the moment. I guess that’s the effect of being a human night crawler. Seldom do I get my migraines but what do occur frequently are the acid refluxes. I guess I’m not eating right once again. But I do eat. So let’s not recite the whole anorexic era of my existence here. I’m so over that, too. I practically eat five times a day/night. See? I don’t even know what time I eat. So I guess that’s a problem — no regular meal period.

We’ve explored several factors that might or might not contribute to the whole oppression. Now, do I believe in God? Yes, I do. I may not be a saint in this category but I do have faith. I go to mass regularly. I still observe religious traditions that my parents had instilled in me although I don’t live with them anymore. I do pray. I am a believer. So there’s not much to delve into in here.

Since we’ve covered almost everything, I’ve searched deeper into myself trying to check for cracks or clues that might suggest anything. Perhaps I simply feel empty or incomplete. Maybe I want a kid I could call my own, maybe I just want a pet, or maybe I just want somebody to make me whole. I can’t be with someone just to fill the void in me because that’d be stupid. I need somebody who’d complement me as a person and not compete with me. A separate unique individual that would bring out the best in me and not create a disturbing pattern of behavior out of my already crazy character. But I will not search for that person. I’m letting God write my love story now. He has the pen and He will be responsible in bringing The One to me. At this very moment and onwards, all I can do is try to become the right person for someone. It is true that there is a time and place for everything and everyone. We can push with all our might but nothing is going to come and nothing is going to change. (Yes, I'm quoting a Van Halen song now!) But I do believe in serendipity. However, that’s another story. Do I sound hopeful now? Am I still depressed? Yes. Because I still don’t know what’s wrong with me, if there is anything.

Today, my heart’s been palpitating from time to time since five in the morning. My instincts tell me that something is about to happen or has happened already which I am about to find out later after my shift. I’m a bit shaken by the thought of this because it has happened to me a couple of times in the past and unpleasant things usually surface as an aftermath. I wish these premonitions will not be so vague so that I can tell what’s going on. Am I paranoid? No, I’m not.

To conclude this write-up, I’d like to say that we shouldn’t be taking life too seriously, after all, all of us won’t get out of it alive. (So says Dr. Suess.)

Currently, I work shifts. Sometimes I start as early as 4am until about lunch hour then on Sundays I work graveyard. I am required to a rest day once a week, but it all depends because if I get lucky, I get two days off in a row.

Yes, I am a call girl. Well, not that kinda girl you’re thinking. I work in an office where it’s 18 degrees Celsius and everyone is inside a booth named after a State. I’m actually a market researcher now, I do surveys and I talk to a whole lot of Americans over the phone for 7 hours! And it has dawned upon me now that I am actually doing this for a living. Ayayay!

But at least I have a job. It’s not as stressful as my previous one where I was a customer service representative of a huge online travel agency — yes, I was with Expedia.com for a while. It was really a mentally-draining job because I had to be extremely familiar with all airline matters, hotel arrangements and car reservations. I felt like a ground stewardess as I book travelers on destinations all over the world, plus I get to call hotels internationally to get them the best deals while earning a small commission while doing so. But it was exhausting! I worked weird shifts since it was a 24-hour agency and I worked an 11-hour shift. It almost killed me!

But now I’m happy where I am. The job doesn’t require much thought just good conversational skills and of course, work ethics. It’s perfect. Policies aren’t even that strict so we’d like to call them ‘guidelines’. The only disadvantage is that the pay ain’t that great. Not the kind you’d be thrilled with by payday, but it’s good enough for a stress-free occupation. You don’t find a lot of such these days. Nowadays, you’re supposed to be working to live, but it’s like working your way to your grave instead. I’d be lucky to last another 6 months here in good ol’ Cebu.

Ooops, I might be speaking too soon. I better stop right here.

To do or not to do? That’s the question. But there’s even a better question: What to do? When you’ve got nothing — and I mean, absolutely nothing — to do. You sit around waiting for what, nothing again. And in the end, it all boils down to this. Nothing.

I who have nothing. What’s that song again? No, nevermind. That sucks. Well, talking about the vast nothingness that has filled the void in my present circumstance reminds me of guess what, nothing. My mind is empty and yes, it’s blank so there’s nothing there, too. When I think about something, then I become confused because I get nothing.

When you seem like you’re stuck in a rut, figuring out what’s the best thing to do (to be productive or whatever!) and perhaps thinking of ways to make the world a better place… you end up doing completely nothing. If only we stop thinking and start DOING something, then that’s a start. Who knows what might happen!? Life is what we make it.

sun is up, i’ve got so many things to do…
but it’s alright (it’s ok) i have to taste it
it’s gonna be a good day (be a good day)

wake up (wake up) it’s a beautiful morning…
get up (get up) cheer the sunshine near ya…
wake up (wake up) it’s just beautiful…
one good day coming up!!!!!!!!

What was the greatest/craziest thing I did for love? For me, the greatest thing i did for love is ACCEPTING the fact that LIFE GOES ON. In this universe, there are no mistakes. Everything is just the way it’s supposed to be. If the relationship didn’t work, look for a relationship that will. When you think of your past love, you may view it as a failure. But when you find a new love, you view the past as a teacher. In the game of love, it doesn’t really matter who won or who lost. What is important is you know when to hold on and when to let go! You know you really love someone when you want him or her to be happy, even if their happiness means that you’re not part of it. Everything happens for the best. If the person you love doesn’t love you back, don’t be afraid to love someone else again, for you’ll ever know unless you give it a try. You’ll never love aperson you love unless you risk for love. Love strives in hurting. If you don’t get hurt, you don’t learn how to love. Love doesn’t hurt all the time. Though the hurting is still there to test you, to help you grow. Don’t find love, let love find you. That’s why it’s called falling in love because you don’t force yourself to fall. You just fall. You cannot finish a book without closing it’s chapters. If you want to go on, then you have to leave the past as you turn the pages. Love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress. It is a lifetime venture in which we are always learning, discovering and growing.

The greatest irony of love is letting go when you need to hold on and holding on when you need to let go. We lose someone we love only when we are destined to find someone else who can love us even more than we can love ourselves. On falling out of love, take some time to heal and then get back on the horse. But don’t ever make the same mistake of riding the same one that threw you the first time. To love is to risk rejection, to live is to risk dying, to hope is to risk failure. But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is risk nothing! To reach for another is to risk involvement, to expose your feelings is to expose true self, to love is to risk not to be loved in return.

How to define love: fall but do not stumble, be constant but not too persistent, share and never be unfair, understand and try not to demand, hurt but never keep the pain. Love is like a knife. It can stab the heart or it can carve wonderful images into the soul that always last for a lifetime. Love is supposed to be the most wonderful feeling. It should inspire you and give you joy and strength. But sometimes the things that give you joy can also hurt you in the end. Loving people means giving them the freedom who they choose to be and where they choose to be.

For all the heartaches and the tears, for gloomy days and fruitless years, you should give thanks, for you know, that there were the things that helped you grow. Loving someone means giving him the freedom to find his way, whether it leads towards you or away from you. Love is a painful risk to take but the risk must be taken no matter how scary or painful, for only then you’ll experience the fullness of humanity and that is love.

Only love can hurt your heart, fill you with desire and tear you apart. Only love can make you cry and only love knows why. If you’re not ready to cry, if you’re not ready to take the risk, if you’re not ready to feel the pain, then you’re not ready to fall in love. There was a time in our lives when we became afraid to fall in love coz everytime we do, we get hurt, then i figured that’s why it’s called falling in love. Whatever happened, don’t give up! It is just a trial. After all God will not give you trial that you can’t tackle. Have faith and cheer up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When you decide to love, allow it to grow. When you promise to love, refuse to let it die!

Reposted.

\m/ai

I miss school. I miss my allowance. I’ve been hunting for jobs since God knows when and I can’t seem to land on something where I can actually work til I retire. Maybe it’s because of the gravity of the Earth… then again maybe it’s just me.

So Alanis is singing in my head right now and all I can do is nod and agree that there’s so much irony in this life. All the lyrics of that old familiar song is so daym true. It’s like rain on your wedding day, it’s a free ride when you’ve already paid, it’s a good advice that you just didn’t take… it’s a black fly in your Chardonnay, it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife, it’s meeting the man of your dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife… ahhh, isn’t it ironic? Don’t you think?

Today I found out something that made me think how we are all connected. It’s like the 6 degrees of separation (but who’s counting?) and it’s funny how the wheel of life turns at such points. It’s a miracle or perhaps it’s misery. And I would just like to say that when there’s smoke, there’s fire. Okay, okay… maybe I have too much to write that my sentence constructions aren’t exactly correct. It’s just that it’s overwhelming to know that people who once gave advices about doing the right things are now the ones committing those "moral" crimes. And I was right all along. Nobody’s perfect and I made the right mistakes. I didn’t think that it was plain wrong, in fact, everything that happened to me morally-speaking just so happened so that I could make the right decisions in the end. An awakening. Looking back (which isn’t normally what I do), I can’t help but smile… and then snicker. Tee hee. People who criticized me for behaving badly are now being criticized themselves. Isn’t it ironic? Or is it the Karmic Rule?! Yeah, whatever.

Being jobless is not fun anymore. Although I like bumming around. I just don’t like being bored. In a few weeks, my life is going to change. I can feel it.

\m/ai

In that moment somewhere between wakefulness and sleep, I try to understand what it’s like to be dead. Blah! Too much to decipher.. my brain cells are exploding. I decided to wake up.

As for the so-called vacation in Bikini Bottom, I wanna go back to the Queen City of the South. Two days of home is too much already. I’m sorry but I just had too much of Ormoc City. But I will come home to retire here, eventually. However, BILOG ANG MUNDO!!!

I miss the beach. I feel weird. I need something to drink. Why can’t I breathe whenever I think about you?

\m/ai

I RESIGNED! Now I'm back to being a bum... but not for long. I'm looking into getting a job that doesn't require so much stress and expecially the kinds where I don't get yelled at a lot. Tee hee. I didn't get a job just to become a living sponge of frustrations and disappointed customers. Dang! I'm waaaay too good for that! Lolz. Now, it's just a matter of time (and extensive research) that I will find that perfect job.

There's still a BIG world out there so watch out, world... HERE I COME!

By: Miss America

I came to PeopleSupport aka PS Cebu on the 3rd of January this year and started training immediately. I am currently on my last week and last day of training. I know I should be relieved with this information but I am not. I am so stressed out, I have dark circles under my eyes and because of the graveyard shift, I am socially-dead. I am not complaining though because apparently it is my choice to be a part of this great company and I am glad to be here in PS Cebu.

As emphasized by admin and our trainers, we came in at a very opportune time because PS is expanding, which means that there is a lot of room for growth. I can’t wait to apply for a higher position. I’m trying my best to qualify for any job opening and I pray that the Good Lord will grant me this specific wish.

Life in Training is like a roller-coaster ride. It’s also like a play. We have all sorts of characters in our batch and I’ve made so many good friends. We have shared stories on how we ended up in PS Cebu and how much we all needed these jobs.

In Expedia, it’s funny how the world seems so small when it’s basically at your fingertips… on the monitor, I mean. Training as an Expedia agent is not the easiest job in the world but it is a challenging one. I still can’t imagine myself with other accounts since I am not very keen on the technical side or on credit issues.

Sometimes I just want to sleep forever because I feel so exhausted every time I get home from training. It is in reality, Information Overload. And apart from the taxes that I don’t seem to comprehend why they are deducting so much from my payroll, I am still struggling and learning how to budget my finances. As you can see, I am away from home, trying to make it big on my own. But that’s life… it is unfair as always. But life, after all, is what we make it. And by overcoming such obstacles (or with flights, I’d say, ‘experiencing turbulence’), I have become a stronger person. One that is equipped with important information (shouts to the trainers!) that will allow me to give all my best shot on the field or floor, for that matter.

Being trained to become a Universal agent has its ups and downs. The good thing is that we are prepared better off and more eligible to apply for higher positions than those who aren’t trained for everything else. The bad thing is that sometimes I get a mental block. It’s like back when I was a writer and whenever I have a deadline to meet, I’d be stuck in a rut - not knowing what to write, or what to say. And it’s so retarded! But hey, what are those spas for anyway? Correct!

I would like to think that this kind of training is not working. Why? Because it involves so much stress that so many factors in my life is affected - even my hair, it’s so dry. Whenever I have a BF (you know, b*tch fit) and I literally throw a tantrum, then my mom would remind me. “Mai, in your own words, you said, the weak will be annihilated. It is the survival of the fittest! If you quit, then you are not what you say you are. You will never be the best if you don’t try!” You remember the weakest link?

All right, moving on. Let me just write ten things about training:

10) Training is a good thing.
9) Training shifts are messing up my body clock and my social life.
8) Training is fun;
7) although training is cumbersome,
6) but the trainers were awesome.
5) Training should be extended for 4 more weeks. Especially for exchanges and packages.
4) Training retakes are absurd. Only twice?
3) Training room is cold. J Sometimes it stinks. L
2) Training is essential. If you train hard, you'll not only be hard, you'll be hard to beat.
1) Any training that does not include the emotions, mind and body is incomplete; knowledge fades without feeling. So in the words of Charles Darwin, “It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent; it is the one that is most adaptable to change.”

Overall, it’s been a pleasure - a great learning experience… The beautiful thing about learning is that no one can take it away from you. To be able to say “Thank you for calling Expedia. My name is Lydia…” knowing I am Miss Universe, errr, Miss Universal Agent. Now, doesn’t that feel good?

Copyright 2005 © Maria Cecilia Tan Velasquez

Oh great! I managed to get a hold of my seatmate's computer and here I am typing away as I am waiting for my adviser to pick up... it's like I've been on hold for 48 years already! Well, anyhoo... The call center is PeopleSupport Inc... you can do a search online and check out the company yourself. But you don't wanna do that now. So what else am I up to aside from my busy career life? Ummm, not much... I am waiting for Armand to come home. Yep! He will be home in a few more days and I can't wait!!! Yipeeeee! My love life is gonna explode with busting psychedelic and kaleidoscopic colors. OK, i have to go now... because I need to write a five-page essay about my TRAINING experience here at the company... toodles!

Alright.... what day is it? I'm not so sure any more.. all these graveyard shifts are messing me up..and my body clock as well! Why am I still here?Yes, I ask myself that question everyday and well, all I could say to myself is that I needed an "Experience" and that's just what I'm getting. To those who haven't really understood my profession... I am a "call girl".. and that's not what you think it is. I work at a call center, which is pretty booming in the country right now..and yes, we ARE also expanding..so there's a lot of room to grow. But the pressure, is unbelievable. So, it's an American company... like it's the best I can get (thanks to great medial and dental benefits!) with my resume and all that! So anyways, my floor walker is telling me to stop doin g"SOMETHING" else while I'm taking a call.. shish! Sorry about that.. will update you guys later when I get home then.. Again..I apologize... (that goes to the verint session that QA might be looking at right now!) ayeeeeeee! laterzzzzzz...

Another day... meaning, I'm not getting any younger. I'm not fretting about that instead I'm more concerned about my PS existence. What's PS? Not Playstation. That's People Support to you! Okay, We're having so many exams! And I'm telling ya, dude.. it ain't easy. All the pressure, all the 2nd-hand smoke, and all those walking well-caffeinated people and their spill-proof mugs. Whaaaaaataaaaaaaaaaaafak! Look at the date, January is almost over.. not that I'm not happy about it since I'm gonna get paid! Ayeeeeeee! But it's so fast... my life would be over before I know it! Hmmm... Wonder when... Oh well, life goes on...

	I'm at work, trying not to freak out for my practical exam in voice simulation. shish! So here i am trying writing an entry to take my mind off the whole anxiety issue goin on around the classroom. People are practicing and I am so not ready to take calls. My mind is off somewhere... quick! Let's search for it! time is running...

Okay, quick recap since the last time I posted... um... I bummed around and spent the holidays, had a lot of good times with close friends and relatives... you know, the whole get-together events of the season. so anyways, bottomline: I gained weight (from all the parties! and man, those were awesome parties with *REAL* food!!!)... aight, so fast forward to the present.

I moved out and got my own place (after being grounded because I stayed out sooooo late!) and since I have a JOB (yay!), it really eats up a lot of my time nowadays. I could very well say that I have a feeling that this is going to be the best year of my life. If I rocked Ormoc City for 21 years, now it's time to paint Cebu City *RED*! tee hee...

Re: my JOB... I'm still actually going to PeopleSupport University.. I'm undergoing my training to prepare me for the big battle ahead... as a human sponge(bob)/call girl/booker aka travel consultant/Expedia trip expert. I'm not gonna expound on that right now... but I will update you on my corporate climb to the top! hurraaaahhh! Look out world... here I come!

I'm really learning a LOT. More than what I've learned in high school and college combined! I mean, real life experience is nothing compared to what I read from books or online. This is the real thing... and shit happens. You just have to deal with everything, bcoz if you won't... it's gonna hit you hard! It's alright to fall I guess, but not stumble. AMEN to that!

All my friends know that I truly madly deeply suck at Math... and therefore, managing my finances is not my cup of tea... Budget management for me is a myth. But now, not anymore. Currently, I'm really struggling to balance everything out... (Gawd! I barely passed my Accounting courses and to think I have a degree in Commerce, major in Business Management!) Ah well, I'm learning... and FYI: I am soooo poor! :( Although I'm not buried in debt shit or anything like that, reality bites especially when we're talking about independence. But hey, I ain't complainin!

I'm not really a food-person or a sleep-person neither. So my erratic eating and sleeping pattern caused by training schedules can't really take its toll on me... well, at least for now. I'm fine... Temperature at the office can be as low as 70 degrees or lower inside. I have a feeling that if I stay long enough at the company, I'd have a complete winter collection for my wardrobe. Lol..

Eeeeekk! It's midnight, gotta get some shut-eye now... be updating y'all!