I’ve had a lot of musings lately. Trying to decipher the undecipherable. So many questions. (But the answers, so few.) If they say that love makes the world go round, well, then maybe that’s why my love life seems to be going around in circles. Patterns. Daym! I should be breaking free from this terrible cycle by now. I’m learned so I should be making wiser decisions now. I am hoping that I won’t be misguided. I have to listen to my heart now. I should stop dreaming and start facing realities, even if it bites. No more pretentions and silly imaginations. It’s high time. (I’m not getting any younger.) Now, let’s discuss some basic truths. I may have a different perspective here but then again, we’re all entitled to our own opinions. Respect.

LOVE is not what you think it is. Sometimes we mistakenly feel that our
first relationship will be our last. Because we are overwhelmed with
joy and romance, we forget to learn the meaning of true love. Some are
saying that love is unselfish, blind, unconditional or simply denying
oneself for the sake of someone very important in our life. Others are
saying love is immortal and can never be defined.

When we
think we’re in love the first thing we almost wanted the whole world to
know is that our love for someone very special can never be taken away
from us. We say this phrase "you are the most wonderful gift from God I
have ever received…" After a terrible fight or sometimes even a petty
quarrel we then say "You are the biggest mistake I’ve ever made for my
entire life!!!" Now, how do you say and spell the word L-O-V-E? Are you
really deeply into it?

Frankly, nobody can tell what love
really is until experience speaks and whispers right into our ears.
Most of the time, these love promises like "forever, till death do us
apart, blah blah blah…" would end up "We should part ways, I’m no
longer happy with you! My love for you is DEAD!!!" Many times we think,
after having committed to someone and your trust to one another freezes
down to zero degrees, that "S/He isn’t the right one. I should probably
wait for the right one to come." But the big question anyone could not
answer is, "Is s/he the right one?" and "When is the right time?" Will
you always be waiting for the right person to come and the right time
to commit? A big YES is the answer.

I have learned not to
rush into a relationship because you can never find love if you insist
that you are already into it. Take my advice: You need to try
to find time to really understand your real feelings, to know who you
really are, and what you really want in a relationship.

You’re right, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but
there’s a compatible partnership that goes along with it. If you
already knew that you’re too big to fit into a small sized t-shirt,
don’t give it a try. You’ll probably break it and pay for the damages
you have made. If you knew and felt that the relationship will not
last, don’t go deeper into it. You’ll just suffer the consequences and
live like hell for the rest of your life.

It’s really hard to
say goodbye though, but you can’t make it any better by just pretending
you still have the same feelings. Believe me. Just try to let go and
give yourself a chance to live life to the fullest. Give yourself a
chance to grow and give your heart a much needed attention. Then you
will find that you have made the right decision and you made it all by
yourself. More frequently than not, we all act in a hypocritical manner
for some reason.

We call it love when we can’t leave someone
and see them crying as we try to let go. We are wrong, it’s just pity.
We call it love when we’re too attached and think that losing the one
we love will somehow make us weak and unable to face the storms of
life. We misunderstood, it’s just that we’re too much dependent on
them. We call it love when we give our whole life to them, the
wholeness of us and imagined that if they leave no one would accept us
and our past. We are mistaken, it’s just insecurity.

But no
matter what the definition is, the truth still remains that love isn’t
something you can buy nor beg. It is real and existing. You can’t touch
it but you can feel it in your heart. You can’t find it, but it will
knock before you when you least expect it to come. It can make you the
happiest soul in heaven, but don’t forget that it also can make you the
most miserable person in the whole galaxy.

My bestfriend once
told me that "finding the right person is very hard and very wrong…
it is best to be the right person for the one you love and start from
there. You’ll always end up disappointed when you set standards and
define a "right person" for you… and don’t rush things because
somewhere somehow God is preparing somebody for you." Then I said to
myself unconvincingly, “You’ve got to be kidding me! I can’t wait
forever! I’ll be old…and lonely.”

So when another good friend
of mine lent me a book titled ‘When God Writes Your Love Story’, I told
myself while shrugging my shoulders, “Oh well, how hard can it be?”
From the book I learned that you can never be perfect…the person you
love can never be perfect…but both of you can be perfect through love
and prayers, and your love can be perfect through the both of you. But,
no relationship is complete without God…that’s why we have marriage
– it’s a bond not only between you and your loved one but also with
God. All we need to do is give the pen to him and let him write our
love stories. It won’t be easy, though, because He will make the
choices for us. But with Him, nothing could go wrong.

I think
that our relationships fail not because s/he’s not the right person,
it’s because we expected too much and we decided on our own. Let God do
the work. You may call it waiting time. But while you are
waiting…pray. Let God guide you always. He knows better. No, He knows
best.

Repost.

Current mood: contemplative

I've spoken with the Cousin Club and they confirmed that my behavior is so unlike any of them thinking that I grew up with those peeps. They told me that I so mirror the midwife who took care of me when I was just a baby. So what's so important about that? The midwife happened to be a junkie. One time my cousin caught her smoking weed in my bedroom and I was coughing like crazy in my playpen! To think that I was barely a year old... She did that often and when she got so high, she would carry me in her arms and she'd dance like crazy while careening wildly across the room. So does that explain my hyperactivity and my insane zest for life? I don't know. You tell me. Perhaps ADHD? *lolz*

Turning to the topic of separation, not anxieties, but among relationships. More and more people (my friends, anyway) are now realizing that being in a relationship is a crock of shit. Now, I'm talking about unhealthy bonds. I'm not going to go into details about my own personal life (because I'd be writing a 5-page blog!), but I'm generally speaking on behalf of my friends who are in dilemma as to what LOVE is actually. Here's the only thing I can say for now (since I'm running out of time to blog... meal break is almost over!): When starting a relationship, start HONESTLY. No pretentions. No holds barred. Just the unadulterated YOU and the real ME.

After a while of getting to know someone (and if you've been shot by Cupid, or if some divine intervention had suddenly tapped you guys in the back), you will realize that all hope is not lost. Once more, your heart beats like it hasn't before and the skies begin to look bluer everyday. Having been honest right from the beginning would pay a lot because it'd be easier to interact and understand each other. I think everyone will agree with me when I say that... LIARS GO TO HELL... No, just kidding... Seriously, lies don't do anybody good. That's not an opinion. That's a fact. So be true to yourselves. If the other party doesn't accept you for who you are, then let him go to hell... nah, seriously, he's just not worth it. Don't push it. Don't try to make yourself believe that you can change that person to accept the past because if he's the type who dwells on it, then he's a sack of shit. Life goes on (whether you or he likes it or not)!

My shrink, Ms. Daphne, says I'm sourgraping right now. Do you think so? Well, I would like to counter that by saying that I'm only displacing my thoughts on some issues here. Let's just say I'm in the state of battling-my-demons and I'm letting go now... This is just my release. (Thank you for your time.)

***

Feel free to COMMENT on this blog entry... It will be much appreciated.

Currently listening:
Crazy for You
By Madonna
Release date: 12 January, 1999

Two days in a row now and this unsettling feeling is still pestering me. Since 5 in the morning yesterday and every now and then, my heart palpitates wildly as if insisting to be heard. Something tells me something bad is really going to happen, or has happened already. This is not the first time this has happened to me but it’s been months since the last one.

The premonition is so vague that I cannot tell what it’s really all about. It’s bothering me so much that I am so uneasy in whatever I do and wherever I go. I’ve contacted everyone close to me and asked how they are doing and what’s up. Everything is okay except for Jake who’s hospitalized for dengue fever but I’m sure the kid is going to be just fine. What’s more? When I close my eyes, I see a vision. It’s the head of a green snake, with it’s tongue hissing helter-skelter.

I’ve tried to interpret what seems to be an omen and I’ve asked a colleague who does palm reading to help me out with it. We came up with the notion that a betrayal is soon to befall and jealousy to surface. Aside from those, luck and money is involved.

So then I had my palm read and the first thing he said to me, not knowing anything about my life, was that my love life was in a frenzy. He said that a great love would come and if it had arrived, I should be building on it. He said I should let the guy court me for some time and I shouldn’t be rushing things. He mentioned about good guys passing me by and the bad guys staying with me. Oh lordy! As far as my job is concerned, he said I am unfocused because I have so many things in mind. I’ve translated that I haven’t been giving my best shot — to almost everything because I’m so preoccupied. (With what?!) He asked if I’ve heard from my family so I guess I should be keeping in touch with them often and he also said that I should pray.

Whatever happens next… I could only hope and pray for the best. And cross my fingers that I don’t get a heart attack or hyperventilate and stop breathing eventually.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to get out of my depressed state for some days now, four days to be exact and I still can’t get a grip of myself. My mom probably sensed it when she told me that there was something wrong with me and she wanted to find out what it was. I couldn’t really say. I don’t even know it myself. My pseudo-shrink Ms. Daphne asked me what was bothering me and I still couldn’t say. She enumerated a few factors that was happening in my life as of the moment and I couldn’t place the one thing that was causing all my blues.

I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt such kind of melancholy. Perhaps never like this. So I’m buying the idea that something is really amiss. I don’t know how to deal with this predicament anymore.

Right now you’re probably thinking, "What’s REALLY wrong?" And I still can’t answer you that. It’s just that I’m so down that even my judgment is affected. I’m having trouble comprehending and remembering things. It’s like there’s this dark cloud on top of my head and it’s going to rain on me any minute now. Not that I mind the rain because I love it, it’s just that it’s so gloomy. All I see ahead is darkness and I also feel like I’m falling into a black abysmal pit.

What I don’t dig is that I’m typically in a manic mood, be it at home, at work, or anywhere. I don’t usually get dispirited. Even failure is never a factor in making me mope around, especially for days! I really don’t get it. Let me just go over the events in my life within the past weeks and why don’t you try to decipher the whole dilemma.

Alright, let’s start with my mom bugging me about my erratic behavior (so like what’s new? I’ve always been hyper… ask anyone!) and she keeps asking if I’m into drugs. As if! I’m no junkie. (User lang po. Just kidding!) What is the connection between my ecstatic disposition and doing drugs? Does that necessarily translate that I’m on a high? Can’t I be tremendously happy? After all, I have my reasons. Conceivably because of too many happy thoughts.

Then there’s the big break-up between me and that guy. Shocked? Nahhh, everybody was expecting that. And it’s over. I’ve moved on. I’ve had too many break-ups in this lifetime and each experience is the same as the other in the sense that I don’t mull so much over it but I simply carry on without any grudges. Remember losing a wallet? You might spend quite some time racking your brain as to what happened and why you did lose it in the first place when it was so valuable because it had your money, credit cards and other important stuffs in it. But eventually, you’ll have to get over it and get a new one, or at least take some time to save enough in order to buy another wallet.

As far as my job is concerned, I’m doing fairly well. I may be young and underpaid, I’m tired but I’m working. (Thank you Alanis for the inspiration.) It doesn’t pay as much as my previous job but the pressure and stress involved are not worth even for a couple more thousands. Besides, businesses in Cebu are growing and there’s a good chance of finding another job that actually has more compensation and benefits. Well, I’m hopeful on this issue so there should be no problem here. Except though for a few consequences on tardiness and absences I have made and have to avoid in the following weeks and months. Nonetheless, I’m all good with my present career. Financially though, I’m not very well-off because I have trouble with the budget and management. Then again, money comes and goes (as most things in life). It’s not really a poser.

Socially, I’m not so dead anymore. I go out occasionally with my cousins to places where I enjoy most (read: bars and chill-out lounges, no disco for moi). On this aspect, there is not much to chew over. I haven’t been chronic drinking as well. Two shots of vodka and I’m done. On the hand, my sleeping habit has greatly changed. I don’t know exactly what my current bedtime is. But I do sleep. At times, it would only be for 3 hours and when I have my rest days, then it would even extend for 12 hours straight. Mostly, I sleep during the day. I’m officially nocturnal.

Health-wise, I’m fit in this department. If you think I’ve shed some pounds either deliberately or not, ummm, no, I haven’t lost weight. I’m underweight like I’ve always been. But I won’t argue if you think I look like a zombie as of the moment. I guess that’s the effect of being a human night crawler. Seldom do I get my migraines but what do occur frequently are the acid refluxes. I guess I’m not eating right once again. But I do eat. So let’s not recite the whole anorexic era of my existence here. I’m so over that, too. I practically eat five times a day/night. See? I don’t even know what time I eat. So I guess that’s a problem — no regular meal period.

We’ve explored several factors that might or might not contribute to the whole oppression. Now, do I believe in God? Yes, I do. I may not be a saint in this category but I do have faith. I go to mass regularly. I still observe religious traditions that my parents had instilled in me although I don’t live with them anymore. I do pray. I am a believer. So there’s not much to delve into in here.

Since we’ve covered almost everything, I’ve searched deeper into myself trying to check for cracks or clues that might suggest anything. Perhaps I simply feel empty or incomplete. Maybe I want a kid I could call my own, maybe I just want a pet, or maybe I just want somebody to make me whole. I can’t be with someone just to fill the void in me because that’d be stupid. I need somebody who’d complement me as a person and not compete with me. A separate unique individual that would bring out the best in me and not create a disturbing pattern of behavior out of my already crazy character. But I will not search for that person. I’m letting God write my love story now. He has the pen and He will be responsible in bringing The One to me. At this very moment and onwards, all I can do is try to become the right person for someone. It is true that there is a time and place for everything and everyone. We can push with all our might but nothing is going to come and nothing is going to change. (Yes, I'm quoting a Van Halen song now!) But I do believe in serendipity. However, that’s another story. Do I sound hopeful now? Am I still depressed? Yes. Because I still don’t know what’s wrong with me, if there is anything.

Today, my heart’s been palpitating from time to time since five in the morning. My instincts tell me that something is about to happen or has happened already which I am about to find out later after my shift. I’m a bit shaken by the thought of this because it has happened to me a couple of times in the past and unpleasant things usually surface as an aftermath. I wish these premonitions will not be so vague so that I can tell what’s going on. Am I paranoid? No, I’m not.

To conclude this write-up, I’d like to say that we shouldn’t be taking life too seriously, after all, all of us won’t get out of it alive. (So says Dr. Suess.)